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Friday, 10 March 2017

At Last....

as you may or may not know i write songs/sing... throughout my life when I've been more actively pursuing it, I've had people put me down for what I'm doing, the people who i made my album with HATED me, hated my music, resented me and spent two years putting me down to the point where i hated the finished product (to be fair it was shit) and had no self belief.
For the last year ive been working on music trying to take it back from the people who stole it from me, both with sam and on my own and i cant wait to share with you my new music. it may not have the big production behind it but it has heart

a few days ago i was warming up my voice for another song I'm working on when this happened. its a song that means a lot to me and is something i very much 'feel' now i have love in my life
i would love it if you'd check it out and share it around if you like it
https://youtu.be/N-NMOEuUYro

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Friday, 3 March 2017

What being in a relationship has taught me about myself and how its affected my mental illnesses

Last January I entered a relationship with my bf. Being in a relationship, being in love, can be exciting, exhilarating, fulfilling, just fucking wonderful really. This isn't a post about how wonderful my boyfriend is, even though he is. This is about how being in love, how being in a relationship, this relationship has changed me, affected my mental health. 

I've spent a large portion of my life with abusive people in it in one form or another. The two previous relationships I've had plus the few 'friends' I've had were abusive either physically, mentally, emotionally or all of the above. Therefore at the grand old age of 31, finding myself in my first healthy relationship I wanted to offer some insight.

That what I say is worth listening to
This doesn't just apply to Sam, but the people who are now in my life because of him, his family, his daughter. Being able to talk for the first time freely and without fear of judgement, to know that people are listening to me, engaging with me, involving me in conversations? Well it's bloody marvellous.
I'm not broken
Contrary to popular belief I'm not broken, I have the ability to love, to be loved, to care selflessly, to be responsible, make decisions. BOOM
That habits can be broken
A lot of my mental illnesses have large elements of compulsions due to a long history of OCD. I've spent all my life at home or in hospital. I have a routine ways I have to do things to feel safe, OK to be able to go about my day. It is absolutely impossible to maintain this when in a relationship, more so when you don't live together. I spent the first few months with Sam mainly at my house as I can't travel due to my disabilities (what other word can I use). Then when I got my car it switched and we now spend a large portion of the time together at his house. Being without the things that make me comfortable, being in a place that isn't where I'm used to where I can engage in behaviours in a way I'd like to, it forced me to cut down and in some cases full on cold turkey stop a lot of the habits that I had, my routine went pfft. That's not to say that it was easy or my head didn't make it (makes it) difficult for me, but if I didn't loosen the strings of my tightly wound up brain, quite simply we wouldn't be able to spend time together. 
That making someone happy is more important than appeasing the voice in my head
This is very much linked with above. I'll be honest there's been times in the last year when my mental health has been so overwhelming I've felt like giving up, giving into the very dark thoughts in my head. Admittedly sometimes I have but I accept that giving in to them means making a sacrifice, one which I'm not willing to make. I have to be OK enough to drive to Sams, to feel as physically OK as I can as so much of my physical state is out of my control I need to do as much as I can to stop my pain getting worse.
I cannot thank him enough for everything he's done and does for me. I bloody love him

That love doesn't cure mental illness but it makes life with one worth the struggle
In the past I've fooled myself into believing that being in a relationship would fix everything. id be cured, it'd be a miracle! But sadly it doesn't work like that, if anyone possessed the ability to cure me with love it'd be Sam, but whilst having someone who loves and respects me helps my self esteem, my self worth, mental illnesses don't just disappear because a part of my life is now fulfilled in a way it never has been.
My ed makes me feel selfish I am not
This is a double edged sword as i haven't quite got the balance right yet between being selfless and putting my own needs first. When you love someone you go out of your way to make it a priority that they're happy, that you're doing what you can to provide happiness. However I've been doing this but sometimes to my own detriment, i need to work on it a bit but its hard as i don't feel my feelings and me don't matter.
That people can be trusted
Don't get me wrong there are a crap ton of arseholes in the world. But tarring everyone with the same brush closes yourself off to some of the wonderful beautiful incredibly kind thoughtful people there are.
More open to learning new things 
I've always been quite closed minded in some ways to new experiences. If there was a chance I might not enjoy something I'd be too scared. But when you spend nearly all your time with someone, you share things that you enjoy with the other person. films, TV shows, books, music.... Sam has introduced me to several TV shows that have since become all time favourite...





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Monday, 10 October 2016

The importance of being there (psychological first aid #wmhd)


One of the most important things when in crisis or going through difficult times emotionally is feeling that you're not alone, knowing that there's someone who's going out of their way, or not even going out of their way, just BEING, a decent human in treating you the right way. There are a few things that I've found in my long history of having mental (and physical) illnesses that matter. That make the shit days just even 1% less shit. Here's what I have to say on the things that make a difference when someone in your life has a mental illness or is going through a traumatic time...


Understanding- This doesn't come naturally to some people (a lot of people) I've encountered, but trying to have if not a level of understanding then least not a level of judgement (see below). Sometimes it takes acceptance that you won't and can't understand what's going on in someone's head to be helpful. Admitting this is ok, I'd rather someone told me they didn't understand than said they know EXACTLY what I'm going through when I know they know jackshit...
Patience- People go through different things in different ways and times. Accepting that someone's recovery is their own and may happen in their own time is important. As is being understanding if someone is not ready to let go of their illness. For some people it's all they've known, they may not want to be ill, they may not want to be hurting and suffering but they haven't found a way to move forward yet. Also mental illnesses can be lifelong illnesses, this doesn't mean someone doesn't want to get better or they like being ill, rather that some diagnoses are for life, harsh as that sounds. It doesn't mean that they will always be in a dark place but rather it's something they'll have to learn to manage.
Listen- sometimes frustration comes in not being able to take someone's pain away, in feeling helpless, but often the most important thing is just listening being an open ear.
The importance of being Non judgemental- Finding out that someone has a diagnosed mental health problem can immediately lead to judgement..... just as you wouldn't judge someone without a MH problem you shouldn't just someone with.
Individuality (not everyone fits in a box)- Just because you think you know what someone's going through or you've known someone or been through it yourself before that doesn't mean that everyone's problems are the same. For example going through a traumatic event people deal with these things differently. I can't tell you the amount of times people who've heard briefly about my history and try to proclaim that they were bullied and it's fine, it's something everyone goes through. Bitch no, you don't know my shit...Yes there are people that have been through and go through far worse shit but unless you've been inside my brain you can't tell me how I should and shouldn't feel.
Not turning away- the most important thing for me, and I think for most people, is not turning your back on someone for having a mental illness
Punishing someone for being ill is wrong, disgusting and in no way helpful to ANYONE. It may be hard to accept that someone you love or care about is suffering in their own internal prison, but you wouldn't abandon someone in their time of need if they were affecting from a physical illness (well you would if you're a dickhead) so why is it any different for mental illnesses. 

To summarise, compassion, understanding and.... not being a dickhead comprende?




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