Thursday, 10 September 2015

My Sliding Doors, magical, all singing, disnified, it's a wonderful life (no really)

I wrote a song on my album called New york. It's a song that I wrote with the idea in mind,  effectively that if it's physically impossible to kill yourself and you are suicidal, what would you do? and the answer was New York. It was 'I want to be be dead to this world I'm in now and as far away as possible, in a place I've always felt is my home'. It's quite a dark song, but the whole album was dark. But lyrically you could take from it what you wanted I knew exactly what I meant, who knows if anyone else did or if they even listened. (If you want to listen to it on the music player it is the 14th track although I hate the the way the song turned out)
Things are different now, both mentally and physically New york would not be my New York anymore as how could I live in the busy bustling city of New york pursuing a career in the most amazing recording studios in the world and on stage.... when I can't walk.
When I was in that place things were different and I didn't think things could get worse but they have. Far worse.
So if I can't have New york what would life be like if death is off the table? If there were Magic wands, Genies, Wishing stars, Fairy Godmothers, Ruby slippers, if birthday wishes came true because hell I'd need all of the above to make the below come true.

  • Dog. I was by far at my happiest when I had ruby. Failing that, a micropig. Named Tinkerbell, or Bacon depending on sadistic I'm feeling. ( I've had far too much time to think this through)
  • To drive again, music loud (but fully concentrating on the road if my dad happens to read this) sometimes even no end destination just to be in my own little bubble, free and independent. Peripheral neuropathy means driving is a no no in normal cars but you can get adapted cars so driving with my hands (unless the wish below can come true.....) It would have a huge impact on my anxiety as I would be in control again, losing the ability to drive took that away and being in the car as a passenger is a big trigger for me. Head banging tears as soon as I get in the car fucking petrified trigger. It would mean going to family events would be easier as I could go in a separate car and if things got too much for me I would be in a car of my own and could make my own way there.... with my dog/micropig strapped in by my side like a little mascot... Dont tell me youre not picturing it in you're head now, I know you are.
  • Failing someone giving me or being able to buy some feet that work/don't hurt? I have to accept my limitations #neverdancingagain OHHHHHHHHH I can become a lapdancer! "scuse me sir dont mind me whilst I just crawl back to my wheelchair.... No no that's not a invitation for you to stick your......"
  • I've only ever worked on my youtube channel and blog knowing suicide is the end goal. If that was off the cards I would invest in it and learn more to be able better my content and start promoting it.
  • Buy laptop and software that works so can maximise blogs and videos.
  • Getting rid of the last 5 years, I can do that, right? I can be officially '25' and find a way to erase all the bad memories.
  • Sort my face and body out. There isn't enough plastic surgery to sort my face out, I can't say oh I hate my nose so I want a nose job, I just want a face job, or face transplant, can I just look like Angelina Jolie or Rihanna, THEN I'd be OK. and have a body that didn't balloon just thinking about food. Just got to ya know maybe study human anatomy and medicine and work out what the fuck is wrong with me then but hey its not like any of the rest of this is a challenge.
  • Get some actual proper therapy for the first damn time in my life with someone that knows what they're doing.
    Copyright of Leah G
  • Meet someone. Meet people not just random people but people that actually like me. Yes I realise there's more chance of me looking like Angelina than a human being liking me.
  • Tackle my physical health whether that means taking disciplinary action against the people I've seen as they've left me in a worse state than before I saw them. Yes OCE I'd come straight after you, you incompetent lying little weasels (see how controlled I was by not calling the fuckwits, my maturity must be growing, GO ME!) No one I've ever seen has E V E R taken me seriously.
    I could be in a car accident and I'd still get the same thing said to me by my Dr. "what do you expect you're anorexic" I get no actual help or support, I'm in agony all day my Dr despite knowing how suicidal I am, has OPENLY said several times there's no point sectioning me it wouldn't help me but he's looking into it anyway as he needs to 'cover his own back'. Being proactive in getting help for my conditions not just accepting there's nothing they can do because if suicide isn't an option I deserve quality of life and some FUCKER needs to get off their arse and help.
  • Move to Brighton. I've always wanted to, the thought of living by the sea but also accessible to the city would be amazing. Brighton seems so ME and it's far away from this shithole and all its memories.
  • Be a better auntie.
  • Accept that I have probably had ME for all these years and treat my body accordingly. #denialisabitch
  • Buy clothes. That I like. Not because I feel thin on them or because I feel too fat in anything else, buy the clothes and look how I want to look regardless of anyone or anything else.
  • Wear make up even I though don't feel able to because I love it and also because there isn't a plastic surgery operation that can fix my face, as I said there's not one particular thing I hate, i ate every single cell of my repugnant being. there's no operation for that last time I checked.......
  • Get my hair fixed. after I hacked it off two years ago its not been the same and I've been cutting it myself with nail scissors since but I'm petrified of hairdressers, and now after my green hair disaster even more so, but I would love my long hair back and I'd love it in a style not just hanging there like a limp beavers tail.
  • Did I mention I wanted a dog.....
  • Forget. Find a way to forget everything that's ever happened to me (I might have to settle for becoming a hardened drug user)
  • With my new feet and Angelina Jolie looks I will get to go on a damn well deserved holiday, either to New York, La or Orlando (disney ermehgerd). I've not been on holiday for so long and the last two I booked had to be cancelled to pay for the scamming incompetent wanktard pervert twat producer for my album
  • Fly off on a unicorn because that's as likely as any of the above happening
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