Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Letters from a broken heart (and immune system)

Its Wednesday (duh). I should be uploading my usual post and I had fully intending on posting the one I've been putting off for weeks. Not chickening out again for the usual reasons.
I'm ill. Physically and mentally. Physically I have bullfrogitis. I don't actually know what's wrong with me, I've got hugely bulbous and painful lymph nodes a sore throat and head and painful chest.... Mentally? Well, I don't even know how to put into words how I feel. How alone, desolate, abandoned and unwanted I feel.
I wrote a song on my album called Letters from a broken heart (listen here) and the first verse and chorus pretty much sum up in better words more than I can come up with right now how I feel so I'll let me of several years ago explain........

On this island I wait
But not a single boat passes my way
I could scream for hours
And it would echo for days
I know it’s up to me to save myself
But I can’t go anywhere
Without knowing there’s someone there.....
Who wants me in their life?

Is anybody there to save me if I drown?
There’s nobody to talk to when I'm feeling down
My diaries full of letters you hope you’ll never see
Letters from a broken heart

Maybe that's what's wrong with me, maybe the symptoms of a broken heart are actually do resemble bullfrogitis.
All I know is more than I ever have in my life I feel painfully aware of alone I am. How I have noone in my life who is mine to love and who loves me, How I'm tolerated but not liked, never loved, not wanted, not needed and I never have been.
And it's killing me.

Sorry I'll go now

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