Thursday, 8 October 2015

Smile - Happy - Cry

You can have dreams, goals, aspirations, however big or small,
no childhood fairytale for me please...
All I ever wanted was to be the cause of someones smile.
Someone to think of me and for their face to light up.
For me to have someone who when they wake up I'm the first person they think of 
and when they go to sleep I'm the person they dream about.
Someone to hold my hand in public proudly.
For someone to give me a reason to think that this world and this life is a place I can be.
For someone to love.
For someone to love me.
I don't remember happy, I don't know if I've ever known happy?
But to be liked, to be wanted, to be loved, by someone anyone. 
That must be what happy is.
What is life if you're walking through it alone, without a friend in the world,
  no one to talk to
how can you even be sure you exist
Every night is the same.
Dark empty and hollow
Loud but silent crying.
The lonely hole in my stomach aching
Same thought going round in my head
 and every time it hits me a fresh wave of tears rolls over me
"There's no one in the world I can talk to right now"
I can't stop crying.


  1. I feel so connected with you and I know that must sound really strange. I suffer from a multitude of mental illnesses including BPD and I swear you write out of my head sometimes. When you speak of depression and mental disorders you are spot on! What an amazing world it would be for people to understand us. I also suffer from chronic pain and I have a rare metabolic disorder that leaves me metabolizing meds 17 times faster than others. This leads all meds to be pretty much useless to me. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. I firmly believe this is Hell and there must be something better later right? Ugh. Chin up because I think you are wonderful.

  2. i don't believe in heaven or hell but I certainly don't think it can get any worse an right now i'd take anything but this:(
    I'm sorry you know this too:(