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Friday, 13 November 2015

Acceptance

"Good luck"
"I hope it goes well"
Two things said to me today (today being the day I wrote this) but all I can think is I'm sorry it's come to this. Today for the first time in 2 years and  months I'm getting behind the wheel of a car. Good. Yay. That is a positive thing.Right? But.....is it? I'm not getting behind the wheel of a regular car. I'm getting behind the wheel of an adapted car, specially modified for 'my needs'. So I'll be driving with my hands only, the foot pedals will be completely futile, the car being an automatic, with the brake and accelerator being a pedal just below the steering wheel and on the wheel, a ball to make it easy to steer one handed (something of which I was actually already adept at). Yes, the idea of having freedom and independence is great but with it comes the finality of no longer being an able bodied person. I will have letters on my license that state I'm forever an un-abled bodied driver. I've known for a while that my feet are like this permanently, but this is the first thing that I've done that is living with that acceptance. Thats why I've titled this post acceptance. Accepting I will never drive like the 6 year ago Charlotte did on my way to my weekly dance class. Even though I had arthritis then and I paid for it all week I battled it, I don't have that option anymore, now I pay for being able to walk a few steps. Something everyone takes for granted. And then there's the other side of the car thing. Why the fuck do I need a car? I have no life? I have no friends to go and see, I'm not able to go and see anyone, no one wants to go out with me, no men want me, what the hell is the point? I'm not a welcome thing in anyone's life so what use is a car? Oh well done charlotte now you're crying again and you'd managed to make 3 hours without. Anyway, I'll rewind.

I got into my appointment
"you look terrified, don't be scared" and I said in my usual verbal diarrhoea kind of way
"I'm not... well I am. I haven't driven in over two years so it's kind of scary but that's expected but what's more so is that this is it (tears start coming) oh crap I'm not going to cry I'm not going to cry sorry. It's just this is making it official that I'll never drive with my feet again. It's over. That is gone forever"....
I then pulled it together and answered the lovely mans questions, pulled his fingers (really) and he must have liked me as he entrusted me enough to be  passenger in an albeit dual controlled car. My first go at driving with my hand controls, not only having to deal with the new type of driving but a beggar stood in front of the car and refused to move. 
"Slowly release your hand off the brake Charlotte"
"But he's just stood there"
"he'll move, you won't even go 2 mph"
"What if I kill him"
"You're not going to kill him" 
slowly move forward half metre "There's a Lorry coming"
"It's a one way road Charlotte you'll be fine"
"BUT HES TURNING THIS WAY"
"well that's his fault he's in the wrong"
"Do I need to do anything..... do I give him the finger?"
"......Maybe not"
I was nervous about being behind the wheel again, I was probably more nervous about hating the adaptations so much I didn't think I'd be able to use them (they'll take getting used to I guess, but I'm a women, we can multi-task). But I was more sad about grieving the loss of yet another part of my former normal life and having to deal with the acceptance that this is me. This is what I've got. I will always be in pain, I will never have straight feet, I will never be able to move my feet properly, I will never regain feeling in parts of my feet, I will never regain feeling in my right arse cheek or thigh (The dr who incorrectly injected me DEFINITELY deserves a middle finger.... and probably needs to learn how to insert IM injections properly please before he paralyses someone).

I will walk short distances with aids, but it'll always come at a price.
"I'd like to walk to walk to the other side of the room on my crutches" -Me
"That's fine, it'll cost you 2 swollen feet that'll feel like they're been sat on by baby elephants who are shitting themselves electrical lightening storms whilst doing so stood barefoot in the snow, for at least 12 hours" -Satan
"Fine but can you at least do something about Justin Bieber?".....-Me
I've become quite a master at the whole stoic/stone face as my pain levels start to rise when I go from horizontal to vertical... Its fairly similar to my resting bitch face.... "Charlotte you're standing are you cured?" No my face always looks this contorted with pain and my feet were always bent in towards my knees, I did some praying to the Easter bunny and Hallelujah... 

It's accepting my limitations and dealing with them. Good thing I've got my mighty fine art skills still intact......
and let's be honest if anyone needs luck its not me, it's all the other drivers now that they're facing the possibility of me being back on the road...

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Nail of the day
Black as my soul.... I'm not sure what this is meant to look like but it's kind of pretty I guess.



ps was supposed to be uploading a more 'upbeat' post but I feel crap ( no shit sherlock), so expect a post that resembles something a fairy has shat on then rolled in glitter next week... literally

2 comments :

  1. Hello. I have just read a few posts, watched a few of your videos... Wow. Your story is powerful. And do you know what I found the most amazing? That I read all this from you - incredibly hard, painful, heartwrenching stuff, and I'm smiling. Not because it's happy or I can't feel the weight of your words, but because of your humour. You have pulled out 'funny' from situations that are decidedly unfunny. And that is truly impressive. I wish you the best :)

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    1. thank you so much that really means the world! I tend to write how I talk which means that I dont edit it down as much as i should as theres more of me and my thoughts which make up the narrative and when im writing things if im pissed off or think something funny or stupid or like in this one in a situation when i felt really down it was kind of funny too.... also people think that when you have a mental illness your personality and sense of humour is sucked dry and ok to be fair mine is more often than not either sarcastic bitter and calling someone a wanktard but thats who i am:) as you said theres no light in these situations but if you write with just black and bleak theyd be unreadable. Thank you once again x

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