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Friday, 20 November 2015

Dear bully #antibullingweek

I could so easily say your name, shame you for everything you've done to me but I know you're manipulative and nasty enough to try and gain sympathy and turn it around as an attack from a mental person. But if you ever did happen to read this and you're wondering if it might be you, you're probably not going to be, or at least can't look surprised. The Botox would see to that.
Some people might be reading this thinking Charlotte, get over it, school was a long time ago. I've known you since we were 12 and whilst some things may have changed I was unlucky enough to have you come into my life again as an adult and then watch you gain pseudo fame on a tv show and see that you're still the same person who made my life hell all those years ago. Back then your particular method of choice was shit stirring, very clever as it meant that other people could do the dirty work for you whilst you could stand there, right next to them and watch whilst they laid into me for calling them a fat ugly slag (which I hadn't).  Of course that wasn't ever enough to satisfy your appetite there was also the bottle at the head incident and daily telling me I was ugly and no one would ever want me. Well you weren't wrong there...You certainly had a business brain from an early age. Taking money from me (that I was supposed to use to buy my lunch) as payment for letting me hang around your group of friends. You couldn't believe your luck I was literally PAYING you for me to come and be verbally, occasionally physically abused by you! For me I was being bullied everywhere I turned, at least with this arrangement sometimes I'd be hidden from some of the more dangerous girls...
I was in top set in English so my lunch money was futile there (you were in the set below) but instead of finding solace in the class I enjoyed most and the chance to get away from you for an hour, in this class there happened to be 3 girls who for reasons I never found out, wanted me dead. And they told me so. One of them lived on an estate behind where I lived and as English was the last lesson of the day. The first time I left the class the 3 girls followed me out of school telling me they were going to kill me and I deserved to die. I'd never spoken to them, I sat alone in class. From that day on I walked the long way home adding on an extra half an hour to my journey home.

Knowing I'd never have to see you again was a relief. You were far in my past. Your 2½ years of torment a scar I'd always live with, but it was over. What a naive fool I was.
Getting in contact with people from my past took guts and bravery for me, I had some unresolved issues, nothing I wanted to bring up but I was lonely, I had no friends and was travelling down to London and arranged to meet someone from my past who I immediately hit it off with. She was sweet, kind and it felt like I was burying some demons. Then she asked if we could pop round the corner. To meet you. Her best friend. How was I to know that you two were joined at the hip, that she didn't do ANYTHING without your saying so. I wasn't happy about the idea, I had no desire to form a friendship with you but for all I knew you'd changed and who was I to make assumptions as to what you were like as an adult. 
You hadn't changed.

I don't know what exactly happened but each text I would send to the other girl I would get a response from you using the words 'we' and 'us'. I'd never included you in the text as I had no desire to see you but you clearly had some kind of a control over her.
When you came back to our hometown I saw you both yet again, why not just cut my losses when you were causing me so much pain. Well seeing as I put up with an abusive boyfriend for a year because I didn't want to be on my own, losing the only 'friends' I had meant I'd go back to being on my own. Again. Although I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to come back to London and that the friendship was to be hometown based. Who the hell were you to tell me I wasn't welcome in London, who the hell were you to manipulate yourself between this other girl and me. You were and are toxic.
It culminated in a series of texts and emails you sent me, by this point I couldn't even contact my friend, you'd told me she didn't want to be friends with me. A barrage of texts and emails saying all manner of nasty things all arriving on days when something bad happened to me, like you were trying to REALLY kick me when I was down. I later found out it was one of your minions updating you, stalking my Facebook profile for significantly shitty events in my life. The day my dog died, the day I was admitted to hospital, the day my boyfriend dumped me. 
That was when my mum got involved, I was sobbing inconsolable on the floor and I had your shit to deal with AND YOU CONTACTED MY MUM.

You now live back here and it terrifies me I might see you. I hate that I'm scared of you. You don't deserve my brain space, you would LOVE that I'm still afraid. Thankfully I'm a hermit so going out is rare.
You don't just reserve your bullying and self righteous and manipulative attitude for me though. When you took part in a local version of strictly come dancing you bought your head out of your own arse long enough to let your true colours shine through.
You were first to perform and apparently did appallingly as you got the lowest score (I'll admit I did a happy dance and it probably could have gotten a higher score than you did) and promptly threw a hissy fit on social media where you have a small following from your very brief TV appearance. Apparently you were the only 'real celebrity' so should have won... It was a CHARITY SHOW! The organisers saw what you'd said and tweeted a slightly shady indirect about having humility and a reminder that it was a charity event....Happy dance number two ensued.

Now before your already over inflated ego gets any bigger please don't think that I'm sat here thinking of you, crying about you every single day. Fuck no. The only time you enter my head space is when I've left the house and I've been worried that I might see you, I usually check your Twitter account to see if you're going out, that's when I wish you didn't have life so easy. But seriously if the people worshipping the ground you walk on knew what you were really like? I doubt they'd lap up your words like malnourished dogs like they do now.

No, I don't think of you, the bully, often. But that's not how bullying works, it's not necessarily the person, it's the words, the actions that leave irreparable scars on that person long after they may leave the situation. 
The scars which form part of who they are, the decisions they make, their path in life. 
You've just become a mum. I'll never experience that. I'll never have a child hold my hand and tell me "mummy I love you" but you did say I was unlovable. What may have seemed like fun to you or necessary for you to get where you wanted or to make sure your friends stayed YOUR friends was at the expense of someone elses life. I sure hope it was worth it.
Never again yours to torment, humiliate, bully, put down or manipulate

Charlotte




2 comments :

  1. This post resonates greatly with me, bullying was the root cause (or at least the trigger) for me developing anorexia 25yrs ago. It has become a chronic condition. I hear of the achievements of those who tormented me, careers and families, all things I will never have. Just wanted to let you know I hear you and I understand. Keep on writing, you're so talented. Xx

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  2. I'm so sorry, it sucks doesnt it. the one thing i really struggle with is seeing people who buellied me as both a child and adult flouish and acclompish great things whilst i just get shit throw at me, and its particularly hard at this time of year at a time when everyones celebrating being together and im essentially alone i have noone and all the people who bullied me have families of their own, children, if not children happiness and friends and i have none of that and never will and having it rubbed in my face just makes it so hard:(
    Thank you your words mean a lot x

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