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Wednesday, 4 November 2015

Suicide and the theory of tomorrow


I want to be dead.
To anyone who has followed me on social media this will come as no surprise, I've been vocal about my suicidal intentions (thoughts isn't an appropriate word) for as long as I've been blogging and on social media.

What is my objective in writing this post? Actually I'm not sure. Maybe that by breaking the taboo around suicide, people might feel more inclined to open up about their feelings. To show that whilst no it's not ok for anyone to ever feel like this, you also shouldn't feel ashamed.

I could sit here and write suicide is bad, life gets better, things get easier, time heals all wounds, stay strong....But I'd either die of hypocrisy or choke on my own vomit from all the cheesy stereotypical bullshit.
Yes, suicide is bad. It's bad in that no one should ever feel that their life is so awful or that they are so worthless and alone that suicide is their only option.
I'd be a hypocrite if I were to sit and say that life DEFINITELY gets better. There are blogs out there that DO say that,  I can only speak from my experience and I'm not going to sugar coat anything. I'd rather be honest with you, drawing on my experience that is 100% honest and real, potentially raw, slightly controversial and coming from a different perspective, than anything else out there, than something that is just like everything else you read or embellished for sympathy/sugar coated as many blogs are. One thing I hope you have learnt from me by now is that I am honest.
Yes, things CAN get better, it doesn't mean they always will. There are people that say things always do get better, but there are people that die without things getting better so for those people things didn't get better, therefore I believe its wrong to say something I don't believe in.
Deep breath.


I've made several attempts on my life. Some that people have known about, some they haven't. I think the most obvious one being the anorexia *shock horror not every person with an ED develops it because they're desperate for a thigh gap* as that is what I've WANTED to kill me as whilst I want to be dead, if I can NOT have to kill myself and I die without having to physically do anything to myself i.e swallow a pill, tie a noose, jump off a bridge, that'd be great. I've written about the fact that I've wanted to not be alive from a very young age and been vocal about the fact that I've been actively trying to end my life for some time, so why am I still here. Is it because deep down I DON'T want to die? That actually some part of me wants to live. I can answer that straight away. No, I want to be dead. I do. What I don't want to have to do is kill myself. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I want the anorexia to finish me off. I want my heart to just stop as I have begged it to so many times. I've ended up in hospital a few times, never critical but I think the more serious ones are the more planned. Less impulsive but not followed through as these would undoubtedly have killed me. What made me change my mind, did I see the light? Find Je....The Easter bunny? Did I suddenly have a magic breakthrough and feel like I wanted to live? Fuck no. Every time I've sat shaking, crying inconsolably for days on end, letter sometimes written, as many of my possessions as possible thrown away (saves a job after which is why I have so few possessions) and I think of something someone said to me a few years ago.
There's always tomorrow. You can always do it tomorrow. 
My tomorrow.
Whilst Annie sang about tomorrow being a brighter place, my tomorrow is not.
What is my tomorrow? Tomorrow is living with today. Tomorrow is staying alive today with the knowledge that I have the means and there's always tomorrow. If I don't kill myself today, I can do it tomorrow. Yes I know that sounds morbid and like I'm saying I'm going to kill myself TOMORROW. No, what I'm saying is it's about living each day with the knowledge that it's my choice the power is in my hands but I have to get through today, the day will come tomorrow. Then tomorrow trying to tell myself the same thing. No, it's not a nice way to live, it's not living at all but it's the only thing I've got. My tomorrow is not about being a new day a new start, a chance for change. Hope. Sadly I gave up on that a long time ago.  I'm not sure how much sense this will make outside of my befuddled peabrain.

Talking about suicide is such a taboo. People think if you're vocal about it, you're attention seeking, if you're still here you don't actually want to die. And whilst I talk about my suicidal thoughts I would never post anything about what I am doing or planning as I don't want anyone to stop me so why would I advertise it? For me I've always been open about it as people not recognising how much pain I've been in or how bad a situation I was in or going through has been a common theme throughout my life, so needing to visually or verbally express my pain and distress is important to me.
Just because I'm still here it doesn't mean I feel any different. The torment is the same. It pains me to say I don't like being alive.


Nobody chooses that level of despair. NOONE should feel that much pain that they feel the only option is ending their own life
A few weeks ago I held my niece in my arms and she was breaking her heart out because she didn't want to say goodbye to me as she was going home because she "misses me so much". The next few days I had horrific nightmares about what my death would do to her.  But you can't stay alive for someone elses expense, just as you can't choose to recover for someone else.  Been there done that bought the t-shirt, doesn't fit because now I'm fat and that person isn't in my life. It's an ongoing battle and war of the mind.

As I said I wasn't sure where I was going with this, I just know that there were some things I wanted to say.  I want to end this by saying today maybe shit. Tomorrow maybe just as shit. Life can be hard and I don't know if it's going to get any easier for you or if your tomorrow will be brighter.
 But I want you to know one thing. You're not alone. You may be physically alone as I am, or you may have people around you, yet feel alone. Suicide is not beautiful or a simple answer, it's nothing. It's the end, it is simply nothing. You will feel nothing, see nothing, experience nothing ever again. If you have hope, grasp onto it and see if it can blossom into something beautiful.

Don't let it get to the stage where you're struggling with feelings with not wanting to be alive and feeling like you don't know where to turn and you can't talk about it. If you're struggling with mental illness the most important thing is to get help as early as possible, talk and be as vocal about your feelings and what's going on your head, no matter how dark. Reach out to people if they're there as I'm sure they would rather hear how awful you feel than to never hear your voice again.

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Nail of the day
Today I'm wearing a coral colour, in full denial about the weather outside obviously, with a silver and gold glitter gradient, which I featured in my room tour video, it's Essies hors d'oeuvres, which no matter how many times I write, I will always have to google how to spell

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