Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Love is all around

I wrote this to try and make sense of my brain

Suffering from depression just to blink feels like your eyelids are weighed with a ten tonne weight and superglued shut, the air is made of treacle so every move you make is like trying to swim through it but with the weight of the moon pulling you back. When someone says a simple sentence, each word feels like razor blades in your brain, to try and decipher cannot understand u thing and as you try and understand and make sense of what they're saying it makes the treacle thicker makes everything hurt the moon tied to you heavier, you want the words to stop

At this time of year, more than most you can't escape love, it's everywhere. The live emanating and bouncing between friends, families members, children to parents to grandparents, from boyfriends to girlfriends and beyond. The love is endless. It should be beautiful. But when you're on the outside looking in the only one not catching a bubble of love, with no one to talk to to share anything with, to receive love from, to give love to, its not beautiful. It's sickening. It's painful, excruciating. It makes you lie on your floor night after night howling with loneliness desperate for someone to include you in this warmth, but knowing after 30 years of not having ever felt love despite a lot of giving, it's never going to happen. You won't ever have a friend, Boyfriend.
You won't receive a handmade card with wobbly spelled words spelling mummy I love you.
Fuck you're not even allowed a dog.
So I'm lying on the floor wrong this on my phone blood and tears my only companion. 
I want to be in that warmth to be getting and giving love bubbles, obligatory ones don't count. They only count if they come from a place of warm, truth and LOVE.
No one understands
I'm dying:(
I just want to be gone.


  1. Hi, I want to say something...but everything I think of sounds trite. Hearing you though. My circumstances are different to yours, but i feel alone too. Awesome description of depression. :)

  2. Hi Charlotte,
    You obviously don't know me, my name is Rebecca. I live in New York, I'm 23 years old I suffer with OCD, severe anxiety, and depression and I've been bulimic for 12 years. Last year I started to lose feeling in my feet so I went online and your videos popped up. I know you don't know me but I want you to know that you saved my life. Knowing that there was someone else out there who knew what I was going through was all it took. I got better because you were brave enough to speak out and that gave me the courage to ask for help and actually take it. Obviously I'm still in for a long fight but I'm taking care of myself and that's what matters today. You need to know that I would not have been brave enough without you..my eating disorder was considered chronic, i was a "hopeless" case but you gave me hope. I hope that you can remember sometimes that you saved a life, you make a difference to someone, you are someone's hero. I hope that, on your good days, you can see through the fog and remember that you are MY hero, Charlotte, and that you saved my life. If you want to, I would love to be pen pals or whatever it is you call a friend you've never met that lives halfway around the world. I think you can contact me through the Google+ Link but, if it doesn't work, I can give you my email. I deleted all my social media when I went into treatment so email is kind of it right now, hope that's ok! Anyway, thank you. I wish there was a more expressive way to say it but there isn't so thank you, Charlotte, for giving me another chance to have a life.

    1. i'm truly speechless... my only intention when I started making my youtube videos was to raise awareness of these dangers and I figured hard as it is to put myself out there its worth if even just one person benefits from it. I'd loe to know about your experience with what youre going through and I'm so glad you've started to turn your life around because of it. Noone has ever written anyting so beautiful let alone said I had a hand in saving their life... youre the one saving it not me. if you send me a message with your email address through the contact me form itll come through to the blog email and I can email you back from my personal x

  3. Hi Charlotte. I watched your Christmas vlog last year- I'm so sorry things are still so hard for you (I commented but it wouldn't have been as Doll, it was just a random name I made up ages ago for youtubing!) Christmas was always bittersweet for me- I remember how much I loved it as a child but even then I remember this hovering unease KNOWING it couldn't last and one day it wouldn't be like this.
    And now it's not. This one was... tough. I had severe bulimia for sixteen years and I was so, so lucky because I got better, but I'm still dealing with the fallout from years and years of isolating myself. I know you must have been in agony when you wrote this- I know this feeling- but would it help at all to know it is definitely not just you experiencing this? It helps me a little. Thank you for making me feel less alone and I wish for good things for you!