Wednesday, 23 December 2015

The Loneliness Hole

I wish I could say things are better. That anything's gotten better since my last post. I can't. Not only is the sadness hole, what I've always referred to the feeling, that PAIN, in my stomach as, it's no longer a hole. It's eaten away at my whole body.
I spend more time crying than not, sometimes triggered by a simple word or thought, sometimes just spontaneous. Happiness, love, family, friends all the things I don't have being shoved down my throat so much, so fast, at a rate that I gag. I do that a lot. I'm so anxious I'm struggling to be able to breathe properly, especially with so much crying and. with a palpitating heart wgdn it all gets on top of me I start feeling sick and gagging.
I don't hate Christmas. Not at all. I'm sad at the way it makes me feel. I hate knowing I'll never feel how warm and loved other people do.
The overwhelming feeling I feel right now is lonely or rather alone. Over the years I've done my best to be a good person to people to support people just do what I can and its never gotten me anywhere as here I am. 30. Alone. I cry in the night and it's all I think about, that I'm fundamentally alone in this world.
I have no one to hold my hand and tell me it'll be ok. I don't want to be alone in this world no one knows how painful it is. I'm just in so much pain and I dont want to be in pain, i dont want to be alone, I want someon, I want someone to want to be there for ME, I want someone in my life to care about how I am no strings attached theyre not obliged to. I dont know what I want. I just dont want this loneliness. I dont want this isolation. I think this song sums up very well how my heart feels.

Please don't say oh you've got me,as if you've followed me from Instagram you'll know there's nothing that pisses me off more as that shows you have no idea of what I'm saying how low I feel. How alone I am.

Ps I'm sorry I know this is the last thing you probably want to read at the moment wit the everything happy happy joy joy Christmas lala fucking la but I cant lie, and its taken every ounce I ave to post SOMETHING, I didnt want to post nothing as in the past when Ive not posted on instagram or whatever rumours start going round that I'm dead. No sadly not dead. just very very sad. After saturday and when everyones stopped shitting tinsel I'll be able to breathe a little bit but I'm sorry for not being able to write anything decent, I have posts cued up but that involves editing and checking and my brain is not up for that right now.
I'm sorry 
Pps I hope anyone struggling with any form of mental illness or not manages to at least get through the next few days as thats the least you all deserve. thank you for sticking by me and I'm sorry

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