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Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Breathing again, growing a penis and smiling.... a lot


*I know what you're thinking reading the title... but there are swings and roundabouts in everyones lives....
I thought I would do a sort of diary post but condensed down into paragraphs of things that have happened to me, things I've learned this week, how I feel,  as come on we all know if I wrote an ACTUAL diary of the week it would break the fucking internet with its size... I'm fairly certain the reason I'm so fucked up is there's so many thoughts in my brain because there's so much room as I say/write all the words that come into my head leaving room for all the thoughts... 
Note to self you don't HAVE TO say EVERY SINGLE that comes into your head...
And onto my week.....
Charlotte Grows a Dick
I started a new medication this week, my Dr (yes the wanktard) recommended trazadone as its an Antidepressant and sedative. As I've never had any luck with antidepressants before, nothing has ever worked for me and I've tried them for over the recommended times and I don't like taking meds that I don't have to so I said no thanks ( Ok I probably didn't say thanks but hes a wanker). But I googled it when I got home and looked at the side effects and read that not only is it supposed to knock you out, which would mean I could hopefully come off of benzos, but it didn't have any reported weight gain side effects. Yes of course that was my main concern because lets face it I'M A FUCKTARD. So I requested the medication that my Dr had recommended AND HE TURNED IT DOWN. Slow.Hand.Clap. For. Dr. S. Turns out he forgot the fact that my heart is a bit fucked and shouldn't have recommended it so had to consult my cardiologist.... Long story short I could have it if I come in for an ECG in 2 weeks (Ha...No) but hopefully by then my letter from the DVLA will have come through and I will finally be able to move practises to a surgery where I'm not viewed with prejudice and I'm treated with an iota of respect:) so I started it a few nights ago and of course the first thing you do when taking a new medication is read the side effects. Now the main ones listed were obviously drowsiness (duh) and heart disturbances, which I knew, but the third main side effect was a painful erect penis. Now this is not something I can say I've ever thought hmmm I wouldn't mind having a dick let alone a painful erect one... Luckily I've yet to wake up with any spare genitals you'll be pleased to know. The last side effect I found quite amusing was this antidepressant can cause sudden suicidal thoughts...
So if I never upload another blogpost its because I hung myself on my giant erect and very painful penis because my heart exploded out my (albeit) very happy and smiling mouth after the best fucking nights sleep I've ever had in my life.
Charlotte considers organ donation
Currently considering selling my kidney to hire Derren Brown to do some mind shit on my mum re puppygate.... its getting critical now. #puppyshitsmellsofroses
Charlotte waits...and waits some more
Everyday looking out the window filled with anxiety waiting for the postman, if they pass the hosue my heart drops, no letter no license no car yet. If there is post my hearts starts to race I feel sick, start to cry (laugh if you want), I go downstairs and no letter, heart sinks. Repeat everyday.

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Charlotte fights demons from the past to breathe 
I've been having trouble breathing for a little while now, accompanied with pain in my chest, tightness when when I try and breathe in resulting in ending up breathless and every few minutes having to take a really deep breathe to try and get some air, but this really hurts:( I don't know if this is to do with my body being a dick (ie to do with eating and just general weakness and the crap I've put it through)
I have issues with inhalers, lets just say we have several bad experiences in the past. There's the general medication issue, in that I am terrified of being able to taste medicine ( I always fill my mouth with water first before put tablets in, then swallow. If any tablets don't go down, gagging normally occurs. I was never taught how to use my inhaler when I had it before and couldn't get used to it, it kept going on my tongue, that made me anxious, struggled to breathe more, viscous circle... Plus the last time I actually used an inhaler was when I was in a situation I talked about in my potted history post. I was having trouble breathing and needed to try and use my inhaler but was being held down and couldn't get to it. I didn't try and use it again after that...
Charlotte smiles
My weeks not been all,bad hell no shock horror is Charlotte actually about to say something that isn't a moan? actually some of this week has been pretty damn lovely:) I have actually smiled. Yep seriously. IN case you don't believe me I thought I would take a photo of it for proof.... even though I look like constipated baby turtle when I smile and yes my fringe is supposed to look that messy, its how baby turtles with blocked up bowels wear their hair...... Or I just hadn't straightened it when I took this picture
see! constipated turtle....













Charlotte should stop writing in the third person because shes starting to piss herself off
In bed writing this paragraph on my phone. Today has been a wave of good then shit. The shit being the fact that it ended with being stabbed in the arse as I had a migraine... However I spent the afternoon with three of my favourite people in the world. I got to read Lilys homework journal, hear the songs she's written for me <3, FINALLY after 18 months I got a cuddle from my youngest niece Evie without her screaming or crawling away, I showed her all my tattoos and the fairies on my nails  and she seemed pretty enthralled. Chloe bless her wasn't feeling great (she's having her tonsils out in a few weeks) but I had a hug hello. It was worth the sore arse, head and feet to see the joy on their face as they opened the door to see me. They rarely see me out of bed and rarely standing up but with my new bionic braces and the aid of my crutches tbh I don't care how much it hurts, Lilys face when she she's me standing up is worth every single bloody ache stab and sting. I love those girls more than anyone will ever know, haha I've started crying writing this, not good for my aching brain. Family things are hard for me for several reasons, if they're not here then there's the car journey which is hard physically and mentally (as a passenger hence my desperate desire for my license back so I can get my car). Then there's the fact that I feel like I'm on the outside looking on, a ghost. Finally I find it really hard being surrounded by people who have love happiness families lives friends  being on the outside and having none of that. Its hard, I don't want to get upset in front of the girls, I don't like being in pain in front of the girls, it distresses Lily especially. So it meant a lot for me to be able to go and I I hope that with a car its just the beginning of telling my brain to shut the fuck up.
No words in the world can describe how much i love these
girls, I would die for them, I breathe for them




















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Nail of the day
Gold to navy ombre with fairies and butterflies,
 this is what I was showing Evie in the photo above

4 comments :

  1. I've been following you on YouTube for a while now and recently started reading your blog. You're such an interesting, witty young woman :-) (and beautiful too, although I appreciate you may not agree - just my opinion! Xx

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  2. Awsome blog your nieces are sure growing they are so precious Chloe's tonsils are giving her trouble she will enjoy ice cream and jello it will be good to get her tonsils out she will feel better when she gets them out that's good lily and evie are doing really well too that's really good glad you are doing well hope this year is going well for you sorry you are have some pain still hopefully that gets under control for sure take care xx

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