Wednesday, 2 March 2016

A day in the life of anorexia

Having been awake throughout the night I start the day as I ended it, on the toilet. the glamorous side effects of long term laxative abuse means that I have chronic bowel problems even though I'm no longer taking them. its painful, excruciatingly so, very unattractive, embarrassing and really fucking annoying. by the end of the day I'm usually on the loo for a few hours, then throughout the night, then as soon as i wake up.
I used to be at the gym at 6am everyday for the first of my 3 workouts a day.  You'd think dead feet would put a stop to that, but a combination of anorexia, self disgust and self loathing through the roof will make a person do crazy things. Obviously I'm not doing my 2 hours cross training sessions anymore the only thing I and do is ab exercises, ritualised, frenetic, obsessive and painful. My arthritic hips ache with every one. But each day the number increases... I miss cardio:(

Breakfast, probably the the meal I feel safest with as its the lowest I calories, has the least about of choice and as I've yet to eat the guilt is the lowest it will be throughout the day. if I can delay it as long as possible so to skip it I will. I don't particularly enjoy it, due to the topirimate issue. that issue being a side effect of such a high dose of my meds has caused my taste buds to be destroyed and all sweet things taste disgusting. but savoury things for breakfast don't really fill me up. quite the dilemma...

After a mornings editing (see my dedication for you guys, if youre not aware I'm back uploading videos on youtube so check out my channel here) its time for lunch, something which I loathe, choice is something which panics me, as does timing of cooking, the main portion of my meals revolves around vegetables as I'm a fuckwit and even when  try and not include veg somehow I always swap it back. Again its partly to do with the topirimate, all it makes me rave is boiled cauliflower, something which thankfully I like but which doesn't make for exciting or enticing meals. I had my first sweet potato only a few years ago and I've fallen in love with (burnt) sweet potatoes, I also like ebly but main meals scare me so I have such pissy portions of real food and supplement it with boiled bland vegetables, which is usually my favourite part of the meal tbh...
Having a body that is nutritionally deprived so is therefore craving foods high in fat and calories the very foods the topirimate makes me feel nauseous and disgusted by and my head would never allow. It's very heard to find something all three can tolerate, add in the problems with my digestive system and its a delicate balancing act.... which is easy to see why I end up just avoiding altogether.

The afternoons I find hard, the time between lunch 1230/ and dinner 530/6 is a long time to go without food but having a snack always just makes me feel even more hungry. dilemmmmma. If I have something I have it at about 3 with much debating and sitting in front of my cupboard on the kitchen floor often crying normally talking to myself calling myself a fat c&*t. Whilst I only started eating again after a long hiatus not even 2 weeks ago I'm already thinking about giving up. The fact that I get such horrific side effects, I don't feel the benefit physically as in I don't have energy, if anything eating just drains me and mentally it destroys me. Given the fact that I don't actually enjoy any of the food I eat, well except egg whites and sweetcorn because thankfully toprimiate hasn't destroyed my love of them, I mean I've even gone off ketchup WHO EVEN AM I IF I DON'T HAVE A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP WITH EACH MEAL?!?!?!

As I just said I normally have dinner about 530/6 it depends on if mum is picking up some salad for me or if I'm particularly hungry, my favourite ting to have is egg whites or poached egg or maybe soup, I like quorn but I get really bad acid with it so try and limit it. But as a vegetarian protein sources are limited and my fucked up head feels safer with protein, in my head it goes air veg, protein, fat carbs, although thats new as up until last year I've lived off of a virtually fat free diet since the start of my eating disorder. But small amounts of fat feel safer to me than large amounts of carbs.
Lying in bed at night full of regret planning on how and when I can stop eating, hating myself for thinking these things but hating myself for eating. Its fucking conflicting, exhausting.

1 comment :

  1. I am sorry about the struggles that you are going through with food. I know that it can be hard as I was once an anorexic. It's difficult bringing yourself to eat. You seem to have the support of family and those who are reading your writing to stay motivated in order to not give up hope.