Wednesday, 18 May 2016

MHAW16- You're worth more

This week is mental health awareness week and the theme is relayshunships... first of all apologies for my absence but due to illness, life and trying to get my youtube channel back on track I've struggled with writing so I'm sorry, I will try be more on the ball....
Back to my post, the word relationship conjures up images of love, hearts and flowers but what I want to talk about is relationships in general, people, human contact.
I feel like my whole life has been a quest for a relationship. Not a love and kisses 'Oh Romeo, Romeo where for art thou Romeo' relationship, just someone who wants to be in my life by choice. A friend. Anyone.
I've spoken at length about the fact that I've been hurt a lot by people that have come into my life and I've never had a real friendship. I can count on less than one hand the amount of people in my life that  haven't  hurt me or used me for their own advantage.
Before I was diagnosed with any mental illness in all walks of life I was like a walking, talking emotional (occasionally physical) punchbag.  It was the done thing to take the piss out of me, the kids in the years above even seemed to know this. Subsequently when I became ill at 13 1/2 I left school with no friends and self confidence and self esteem levels that had been driven into the ground. Then throughout my life as people came in and very quickly out of my life, my already shattered confidence and esteem was not only non existent but has migrated into a destructive self hatred, if people don't want to be in my life it must be them, not me. A theme developed, someone would come into my life because they loved the idea of being the person that finally fixed the fucked up mental girl, OH THINK OF THE GLORY. Fairly quickly most people realised you had more chance of winning the hunger games than fixing me and fucked back off out of my life... If they wanted to help me to help ME that's one thing but it was all about getting the fucking glory for themselves and they'd become nasty and abusive when they realised this glory wasn't coming.
Let's call that type of person dickhead A. Dickhead B however was very clear from the start that they were a dickhead. They saw a person who was desperately lonely and would put up with anything to not have to be alone. They would take advantage of me in anyway I endured a physically abuduve relationship, paying money/buying people stuff as I was under the impression I didn't they wouldn't be in my life, I put up with a woman calling me names, mentally putting me through shit because to me, I finally had friends...
Some people started of as an A and became a B, sadly the most I've encountered were Bs through and through...
Sorry this post isn't about me trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, one thing I learned a few years ago is I would rather be alone than be friends with someone like that and that's the point I'm trying to make. You don't need to put up with people treating you like shit, calling you names, using you. You don't have to go out of your way to keep people in your life if it's to your own detriment. It's better to be alone than put up with that. The right people won't treat you like that and they will come into your life. It might take many years but trust me it's worth the wait...

Supporting someone with a mental illness 
I understand that having a mental illness can be confusing, fuck its confusing to me,
I don't know how to react to myself at times so I don't begrudge anyone else for feeling confused and not knowing how to react or what to do. But what I do begrudge is the people that  purposefully hurt you, run away, refuse to stand by you in hard times because they don't understand and they refuse to even try.
Going through mental illness is hard enough without having to deal with people shitting on you every chance they get, and being alone.
If you're supporting someone with a mental illness, be understanding and empathic, showing sympathy if appropriate without making the person feel inadequate, to blame, weak or at fault. Mental illness is just that, an illness and the worst thing you can do by far is to run away, to turn your back, to blame. The best thing you can do is be supportive of nothing else just be there.

On a more positive note...
At the end of last year someone came into my life. To be able to trust someone, to know that not only would they not hurt you but they will do anything to protect you, to keep you from harm and that they only want the best for you, they have no hidden agenda. I trust them implicitly. So much so that through all the hurt I've felt the times I've been let down and hurt by people, abused, shat on. I've always said why me what did i do to deserve this and for the first time in my life I'm saying what did i do to deserve something so good. it makes all the bad things I've been through worth it to have him in my life, I'd go through it all again ten times over to have him, he makes breathing bearable...

Don't ever think that because you have a mental illness you deserve to be treated less than anyone else, you deserve more, no one should ever have to put up with being treated like a substandard human being, no one deserves to be alone or feel lonely. I know how hard it is to feel like this and to suffer from mental illness and if I can only offer up one piece of.... it'd be that you're worth more.


  1. I'm so glad you have somebody finally in your life that you trust and love and them the same to you. I wish you all the happiness in the world! You deserve it. You've helped me in so many ways made me feel so strong some times and you and I don't even know each other haha it's a shame we don't know each other in person. But thank you so much you help me in millions of ways and you just keep getting better and better xxx

  2. I know this goes way back in May that is true everyone should be treated the way they want to be treated you very nice and caring and getting ahead in life you deserve to be treated right you are a great person you are Awsome and kind you stayed strong through the hard times I'm happy you are
    With Sam I'm glad you have him to look up to and your mom too and nieces that's great xxxxooo