Wednesday, 5 October 2016

Simply Perfect and Perfectly Simple

Have you ever had a day that was so simple it was perfect. You didn't do anything but just be with the person you wanted to be with both equally as content in each other's company.
My perfect day doesn't consist of fancy clothes, caviar, champagne or a helicopter.....

Maybe it's something that only someone who's suffered with mental illness can quite understand the happiness and sheer relief of peace and ease.
I've spent my whole life being told and believing I not only don't deserve happiness but a place in the world. I accepted this as verbatim as the sources it came from, why would they lie? (because they're fuckwits)

But that day starting with a lazy morning watching tv joking around being playful, relaxed. Nothing special and something felt different. We were both calm relaxed at ease and everything just flowed together perfectly. 
Imagine like the most perfect first date where you just fit together, everything is wonderful you both spark off each other. Well imagine that but we've been together 9 months...
We went over to Milton Keynes centre to pick up a few bits, again nothing special just weaving in and out of each other's minds saying exactly what we wanted to, fitting together perfectly. We checked into the hotel and chilled there for a bit, I can be annoying when I'm happy so I think I was just holding onto Sams hand/arm the whole time. He's used to it.
In the evening we went to see the David Brent film which we both enjoyed, cinemas are an anxious place for me but being with him has made it easier and this day was no exception. The film was great, the whole cinema was laughing.

There were a few moments where I was challenged, say someone looking at me strangely, bumping into me, me being in pain and right there he defended me, comforted me and these things just added to the happiness of the day.

After the film we went back to the hotel and just chilled out. Both joking, lighthearted everything. Just being together just the two of us. Neither of us waned in our happiness. Just perfect

Obviously perfection can't last. Things are difficult at the moment I'm mentally struggling but more so physically. I'm in a crap load of pain pretty much all the time, I feel just run down, exhausted. Tired, so tired.  And my anxiety is up. Has been going up for months. As have my suicidal feelings. I just want easy. I've had hard, I've done that, I just want things to be like that day all the time. That's not asking much, it's not anything out of the ordinary, just... ok, peaceful, happy even. Life isn't perfect I know that but I'm not asking for unicorns to come and piss in my bath whilst little baby dragons heat it up to the perfect temperature. I just want to feel ok. If not all the time, more than I am now. 

1 comment :

  1. Sorry I haven't followed up on your posts that was nice you and Sam went the David Brent film I bet it was good yes I hope things are going good for you sorry you have your hard times that so nice that Sam is very supportive to you he is there when you need him that's so nice to do
    Nice stuff together Awsome it makes you feel better to do fun and nice stuff together take care